New Year, New Beginnings….. Looking back on 2023 and all that changed.

Sitting here and thinking back on the year of 2023 there has been so much change in my life that I would maybe be able to predict a little bit of that change but not all of it.  This year has been a journey to celebrate and be extremely grateful for. 

I started off the year busy planning my beautiful wedding and reception. I put a lot of time and love into it and making it a mixture between myself and Zac’s style. I had bought wooden flowers, painted them all, then stemmed them,  floral taped each individual one, then made every bouquet and boutonniere. I went thrifting and found vintage tablecloths and real napkins to dye to our wedding colors. It all came together beautifully as I like to call a bougie boho themed wedding with a bit of humor. It was a great and wonderful day where we sang karaoke and hung out with amazing family and friends that support and lift us up. You can see why until May happened all I thought about was wedding stuff. But if you know me you know my brain is seldom just not thinking. 

So why I was doing all this stuff and preparing for a wedding. I was also listening to podcasts my favorite being the Adult Chair. I had a very traumatic upbringing and had been previously working on healing my inner child. In fact my goal at the beginning of 2023 was to try and heal this part of my soul that I knew I needed to. I also listened to a book called “Soulbriety” by Elisa Hallerman, and “The body keeps the score” by Besell Van Der Kolk. Needless to say I knew I needed change in my life and that after working in a covid ICU my job just wasn’t the same. Post covid healthcare was no longer feeding my soul like it was prior in fact I was angry and not happy at work and I felt like I was going into work and doing what us healthcare workers do best and fake it till I make it. 

My mental health was suffering I was having to go to the doctor to up my anxiety medications just to go to work. Being on anxiety medication was such the normal post covid that when I would bring up my issues with coworkers they would say I just need to up my meds. Well I knew that wasn’t the answer and I needed to heal this post covid broken human. I luckily married the most supporting person alive that lifts me up and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Its almost like I was 20 all over again leaving home for the first time with so many dreams and possibilities. Realizing that now as an adult (can I say that at 38 yet? Sometimes I feel like I am still just a teenager pretending to be an adult raising teens.) I guess going through that mindset in life leaves you room to grow as I am thinking about what I just wrote. I will mess things up and thats ok. I think its important to be human and its what we do with those mistakes that matter. After the wedding I knew I had time to start exploring what I would do. I started with my interests and my passions. The only thing was that ever since I was little I knew I either wanted to be in healthcare or veterinary care. I was even voted my senior year the most likely to work in healthcare or become an RN (its been 20 years and that yearbook is buried in the dark abyss of the garage so its one of those.) But you can see the trajectory of my life and the end game was always to be a caregiver. I almost went through a bit of an identity crisis when I left the hospital and caregiving. But, lets go back to before I left the hospital I read a book called, “The conscious parent” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. As I was reading this book I had a realization that I had this inner voice that would put me down, make me feel not good enough, that I didn’t meet certain expectations from family on the trajectory of what my life was supposed to look like, even if these weren’t goals I set for myself. Feeling like I was always a let down to those around me. I decided to parent my inner voice with the motherly love, caring, and compassion that I want for my step kids. How could I possibly fake it for them if I wasn’t personally living it? I started to move my body again and remembered that yoga was something that always calmed my brain and its what initially 8ish years ago started my healing journey. 

So I started researching and looking at different ways to heal my body and mind from the unbelievable trauma that we witness as healthcare workers. I started reading and googling different things that I could do that would help but we also had this amazing vacation planned so I knew that until July I would stay at the hospital and work out what it was that was calling to me. Through my research I found that there is trauma informed yoga instructors. Becoming a yoga instructor or taking the teaching class is an idea I had tossed around in the past but it wasn’t ever something that I thought would come to fruition. I decided right then and there that I wanted to become a trauma informed yoga instructor and help people heal their bodies from trauma and guide them through a practice. Here is where I got extremely lucky and I knew this was the right path to take. I am going to make a confession but there was never a yoga class that I took from an instructor where I felt I received a better practice then I could get off YouTube. This comes I know from my background in ballet where I had a choreographer that would show us with a demonstration and then we would do the move and she would come around and give hands on adjustments so you could feel how it was supposed to look. Well when I was looking for a class to take I knew the value in this concept of teaching and seeked a program that would offer me this kind of knowledge because I knew that I did not want to be that instructor that performed a class and talked through it. I know the times I would attend an in person class it was never what I expected and obviously I wouldn’t be able as a beginner to get into some of the positions that were asked of me. Yoga can be intimidating and I found this way of taking a class very intimidating and that I needed to know what to do before I ever even showed up to a class. Google being my best friend and finding out that I couldn’t start a trauma informed yoga class without first getting my 200 hr yoga instructor. 

So back to google where I just started researching different classes I could take and weighing the options of on line or in person. But I ultimately decided that the first training that I take be an in person class. Back to the research board I went reading reviews of local classes deciding how far I would be willing to drive. I found twist yoga studio in lake oswego went and took a free class and chatted with Heidi who is one of the many amazing instructors that make this program so magical. Little did I know this at that time but it felt right I had just gotten back from vacation and white water rafting a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of life. I signed up right then and there paid in full on my credit card. I knew I had enough in savings to live off of for a few months but also started applying for waitress/ bartending jobs. I still needed to go into my work and talk to my boss and decide my exit. I went back to work so excited to tell my boss because he is amazing and I had already spilled my guts to him about looking for something else and being honest with him that my heart wasn’t in it anymore. He gave me advice to take sometime off and maybe take some fmla (this was prior to my vacation) to put some thought into it. Well imagine me fresh off my vacation, my soul was on a new journey and I was so excited about it. Refreshed attitude you might say. Well my first day back I was the unit clerk or the secretary of the unit my jobs varied from day to day. The first visitor of the day after explaining the rules of the unit yelled and called me a B word for doing my job. All I did was ask her to kindly not eat in her family members room. Well that is not tolerated so managers were called and she was talked to about her behavior. In healthcare you build a certain hard exterior and on any other normal day I would have laughed or shrugged and moved on. But refreshed I was, exterior down, I just started crying. I knew right here I was making the right choice in my decision to leave healthcare. Still kind of having a mini crisis this was my identity for so long to be a caregiver. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. People around you always lift you up about the job you do and how no one else would be able to do it and then you start to feel like your letting down the population of people that you have so longed to take care of but that patient population has changed drastically. Its no longer little sweet old ladies and men, its drug addicts and mental health patients, there is no good way to help them they just abuse the staff, and the system is so broken. Not even a week later I am at work and a group of motorcycle gang members stormed our doors and threatened staff. Police, security, yelling, chaos. Luckily no weapons and the hospital took immediate action and now everyone has to have bags checked and go through metal detectors. My nervous system was done after this. I didn’t go back to work. I took the next month in a half to really try and heal and calm my nervous system. I was going to doctors, counseling, psychiatrists, trying to get in to get EMDR work done for trauma. I knew I couldn’t start my yoga journey in this state of fight or flight. Time was looming on what to do with my job. I knew I was leaving before this incident but this was work related so I stayed to get the help I needed. One day I was talking to one of my doctors and we are chatting and I am trying to figure out if I go back and work a little and give notice, or just give notice now. He just said why cant you just call and quit? I remember a light going off and me thinking why cant I just call in and quit I am an adult? So thats what I did I called talked to my boss about what I needed to do. He told me my options for cleaning out my locker but I knew it would be good for me to go in and say goodbye to the place that I grew so much in. And its not their fault for what happened. Those people in the hospital walls and first responders are my people and always will be. Reflecting on leaving does bring tears to my eyes, a little of sadness, and a little of joy of what I know is now my reality and journey. There is no way I could ever say thank you enough to everyone who has helped me become the person that I am today. 

This section deserves a spot of its own. This is where the part 2 in my book of life starts and its still being written. I started the most amazing 7 week journey of my life. I started my yoga journey. I went there day 1 not knowing what to expect. Nervous. 13 of us, 3 or 4 of the instructors there to welcome us that first day. I thought I was going in there to learn about some poses and how to sequence a class with proper body alignment. Not only did I learn those things but so much more. From meditation to the history behind yoga. My soul is back on fire and there is so much to learn. I have met some of the most amazing human beings that we talk in a group chat and stay connected at least once a week. I work at legends restaurant as an event server. And am now there yoga instructor at Arrowhead Golf Courses Fitness Center starting next Tuesday! I have so much more of myself to give to the people around me and cant wait to start this new journey in caring for people. 

I know that this is long and if you have stayed with me for this long I do have a point. And if there is anything we can take from 2023 and into 2024 its this: be kind and take a moment to realize we don't always know whats going on with someone behind what they let us see. Breathe a moment before you react and think: how would I want to be talked to in this moment? This world needs more love and uplifting so lets make 2024 the year of uplifting thy neighbor. CHEERS to all you beautiful souls can’t wait to see what we all achieve in 2024!