Childhood pt 1

I don't really know how to start this discussion about dysfunctional families without giving you a little back story of where I came from first. First and foremost there is no need to be sorry for the way that I was raised. I came out on the other side of things and you can to. I am who I am because of my experiences and I would never change that.

I was born in March of 1985 my parents were seemingly happy to the outside world. I believe at this time they were still happily married. My mom was a waitress who quit her job to be a stay at home mom. My father worked and was part owner of his parents western store. I have such great and fond memories of that time. My brother came almost 2 years later and then my sister 2 years after that. By the time my sister arrived I know for sure that I knew my parents were unhappily married. Once I hit the age of school and started going over to friends houses and staying the night and seeing how their parents interacted with each other. I knew mine were destined for divorce at some point. I remember telling my best friend in kindergarten that when my parents get divorced I wanted to live with my dad. Lots of things were happening behind closed doors that now I can look back on and see I was being raised by a narcissistic mother. It took them till I was 12 or 13 to finally separate, divorce and then individually ruin their own lives and hurt everyone that loved them. There is a lot to unpack in this paragraph and I will try and break it down below.

Lets start with the only man I have ever called dad. I sometimes will refer to him as my bio-dad but he was in my life till 2005, I was about 20. He was the only biological child of his mother and father. My grandma and grandpa, but he did have 2 half siblings. 1 half sibling I have zero recollection of, he passed away from a “drug” overdose. I put that in parentheses because he may have been purposefully given rat poison in his drugs to kill him. He was a heroin user and the family story is that he pissed off his drug dealer. So both of his half siblings came from his father so my grandmother did not care for them as they both were troubled and on drugs. My fathers “half” sister. I am putting parentheses here because years later when my grandfather was on his death bed he had a confession to make. That confession was that he wasn’t the bio dad of the daughter but when he was leaving her mom she didn’t want her as she had come from an affair. So my grandfather just always raised her as his own. This “half” sister was a drunk and used drugs she would come in and out of our lives. Mainly because she would get “clean” my dad would give her another chance and she would drop her kids off with him and leave and go party for weeks. Then he would cut her out for awhile again and not let her come around us to then her weaseling her way back in. The last time I can remember her being around when I was a kid she was drunk and my dad was at work, she had promised she wouldn’t drink, and I had to call him at work and tell him his sister shoved her daughters head through the glass window, (luckily old single pane windows and she was fine,) I remember looking at my cousins, her children and saying “we have to take her alcohol away.” I remember seeing the fear in their eyes of what would happen if we did so we hid in my room and I got the alcohol and we locked ourselves in my room. She banged and pleaded at the door and then finally gave up and passed out. The next time she came around was for my high school graduation and she got my mom high in the driveway. After that I haven’t actually seen her in person since. I did try and stay in sort of touch with her through Facebook but mainly because she had contact with my bio-dad and she was his next of kin. Good thing I did too because when he did pass she reached out and my sister and I pooled some money together and took care of what needed so he could be buried peacefully. I had to block her on social media shortly after because she started commenting on all my stuff that I was keeping her brother from her. Even though she knew we buried him next to his parents. Onto his parents, my grandparents they passed away when I was about 9, they were fun grandparents I have fond memories of them, my grandma passed away first she was what my grandpa and dad thought a recovering gambler. She was apparently going to gamblers anonymous  meetings and they both thought she was doing better. Well guess where she was going? She wasn’t attending meetings she was going out and had gambled most of the stores and buildings they owned away. At one point they owned about a block of downtown and a hotel. After her passing you could see the financial stress that this caused to my parents. His father passed away less then a year later. Both had been smokers and died from lung related illnesses. Both of my parents for sure dabbled in smoking weed and maybe partaking every once in awhile in other illicit drugs at parties and with friends. It became something that was easy for them to lean on. They both started becoming even more unhappy and on top of that using meth. I was about 9 when all this started and it escalated till I was 13 or so when my dad finally moved out and my mom moved her drug dealer (now bf) in. I think I may have lived there for another month before my mom physically abused me, threw me outside in the winter and locked the door. I never really lived with her again after that except for a short amount of time a few years later it lasted a week before the boyfriend came and got in my face that last time I let loose, in fact I think each of my siblings and I have a different story of how we beat him up, at some point in our teens. Mine with a phone, I think one of them with a golf club and then maybe someone shot him with a BB gun. Boy did I get guilted by family for not staying to protect my siblings. This is something that I am still trying to figure out why this responsibility was put on me and not the adults? The adults always were worried about getting my parents clean and help. But we were left to fin for ourselves sometimes waking up without electricity or food, running out of gas on the way to school or to the gas station. I can’t tell you how many times they ran out of money to get us to after school activities and I was helping push the truck in my ballet stuff to the gas station. 

The abuse with my mother started long before she finally got physical. The only time she showed me any affection was when other people were around. We liked to play Tetris together. But thats about it as far as good memories go. I don't know if she was ever truly happy with me it seems like there are pictures of when I was under the age of 2 where she looks like she is genuinely happy and nurturing towards me. But also she is a narcissist so its hard to know if this was all for show for the camera. Definitely you can see a change in her in the pictures before drugs where ever involved. My mom locked herself in her room and in the garage to get away from the kids or she was outside in the yard. She didn’t give us chores or anything and just really wanted us away from her the less she had to deal with us the better. I know this is the 80s and 90s so this was kind of typical in some sense. Heres the thing we were nosy kids and in that garage there was a window but so high up that you couldn’t just get to it. Outside all the time though my siblings and I were determined to find out what they were hiding from us. Well they were out there smoking cigarettes and totally ashamed of the fact. What?!?! You are going to neglect your children for nicotine? I don't understand lying to kids they will always figure out whats going on and then feel betrayed. If they ask, answer honestly, also we wouldn’t have cared if you were smoking as long as you were present. This sense of shame is something that I don't understand. I kind of wonder if it was just how they were raised. My mom was raised mormon and my dad presbyterian. Forced to go to church and then feel guilty for having a good time put this intense and deep shame in them. Family that put them down and told them how they weren’t good enough. Also there is something to say about raising “golden” children that can do no wrong. My mom was her dads favorite and my dad was his mothers. They were raised to do good by the name and do not mess up. I think we all mess up its what we do with it. 

I think thats where I will end it today as it is a little difficult to type this all out and really have to find the words for it. The main take away I would like to end this post with is the fact that if you aren’t living your true self in front of your children and you don't make them feel like they are doing a great job wherever they are at. That you are slowly putting a wedge in your relationships. 

New Year, New Beginnings….. Looking back on 2023 and all that changed.

Sitting here and thinking back on the year of 2023 there has been so much change in my life that I would maybe be able to predict a little bit of that change but not all of it.  This year has been a journey to celebrate and be extremely grateful for. 

I started off the year busy planning my beautiful wedding and reception. I put a lot of time and love into it and making it a mixture between myself and Zac’s style. I had bought wooden flowers, painted them all, then stemmed them,  floral taped each individual one, then made every bouquet and boutonniere. I went thrifting and found vintage tablecloths and real napkins to dye to our wedding colors. It all came together beautifully as I like to call a bougie boho themed wedding with a bit of humor. It was a great and wonderful day where we sang karaoke and hung out with amazing family and friends that support and lift us up. You can see why until May happened all I thought about was wedding stuff. But if you know me you know my brain is seldom just not thinking. 

So why I was doing all this stuff and preparing for a wedding. I was also listening to podcasts my favorite being the Adult Chair. I had a very traumatic upbringing and had been previously working on healing my inner child. In fact my goal at the beginning of 2023 was to try and heal this part of my soul that I knew I needed to. I also listened to a book called “Soulbriety” by Elisa Hallerman, and “The body keeps the score” by Besell Van Der Kolk. Needless to say I knew I needed change in my life and that after working in a covid ICU my job just wasn’t the same. Post covid healthcare was no longer feeding my soul like it was prior in fact I was angry and not happy at work and I felt like I was going into work and doing what us healthcare workers do best and fake it till I make it. 

My mental health was suffering I was having to go to the doctor to up my anxiety medications just to go to work. Being on anxiety medication was such the normal post covid that when I would bring up my issues with coworkers they would say I just need to up my meds. Well I knew that wasn’t the answer and I needed to heal this post covid broken human. I luckily married the most supporting person alive that lifts me up and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Its almost like I was 20 all over again leaving home for the first time with so many dreams and possibilities. Realizing that now as an adult (can I say that at 38 yet? Sometimes I feel like I am still just a teenager pretending to be an adult raising teens.) I guess going through that mindset in life leaves you room to grow as I am thinking about what I just wrote. I will mess things up and thats ok. I think its important to be human and its what we do with those mistakes that matter. After the wedding I knew I had time to start exploring what I would do. I started with my interests and my passions. The only thing was that ever since I was little I knew I either wanted to be in healthcare or veterinary care. I was even voted my senior year the most likely to work in healthcare or become an RN (its been 20 years and that yearbook is buried in the dark abyss of the garage so its one of those.) But you can see the trajectory of my life and the end game was always to be a caregiver. I almost went through a bit of an identity crisis when I left the hospital and caregiving. But, lets go back to before I left the hospital I read a book called, “The conscious parent” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. As I was reading this book I had a realization that I had this inner voice that would put me down, make me feel not good enough, that I didn’t meet certain expectations from family on the trajectory of what my life was supposed to look like, even if these weren’t goals I set for myself. Feeling like I was always a let down to those around me. I decided to parent my inner voice with the motherly love, caring, and compassion that I want for my step kids. How could I possibly fake it for them if I wasn’t personally living it? I started to move my body again and remembered that yoga was something that always calmed my brain and its what initially 8ish years ago started my healing journey. 

So I started researching and looking at different ways to heal my body and mind from the unbelievable trauma that we witness as healthcare workers. I started reading and googling different things that I could do that would help but we also had this amazing vacation planned so I knew that until July I would stay at the hospital and work out what it was that was calling to me. Through my research I found that there is trauma informed yoga instructors. Becoming a yoga instructor or taking the teaching class is an idea I had tossed around in the past but it wasn’t ever something that I thought would come to fruition. I decided right then and there that I wanted to become a trauma informed yoga instructor and help people heal their bodies from trauma and guide them through a practice. Here is where I got extremely lucky and I knew this was the right path to take. I am going to make a confession but there was never a yoga class that I took from an instructor where I felt I received a better practice then I could get off YouTube. This comes I know from my background in ballet where I had a choreographer that would show us with a demonstration and then we would do the move and she would come around and give hands on adjustments so you could feel how it was supposed to look. Well when I was looking for a class to take I knew the value in this concept of teaching and seeked a program that would offer me this kind of knowledge because I knew that I did not want to be that instructor that performed a class and talked through it. I know the times I would attend an in person class it was never what I expected and obviously I wouldn’t be able as a beginner to get into some of the positions that were asked of me. Yoga can be intimidating and I found this way of taking a class very intimidating and that I needed to know what to do before I ever even showed up to a class. Google being my best friend and finding out that I couldn’t start a trauma informed yoga class without first getting my 200 hr yoga instructor. 

So back to google where I just started researching different classes I could take and weighing the options of on line or in person. But I ultimately decided that the first training that I take be an in person class. Back to the research board I went reading reviews of local classes deciding how far I would be willing to drive. I found twist yoga studio in lake oswego went and took a free class and chatted with Heidi who is one of the many amazing instructors that make this program so magical. Little did I know this at that time but it felt right I had just gotten back from vacation and white water rafting a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of life. I signed up right then and there paid in full on my credit card. I knew I had enough in savings to live off of for a few months but also started applying for waitress/ bartending jobs. I still needed to go into my work and talk to my boss and decide my exit. I went back to work so excited to tell my boss because he is amazing and I had already spilled my guts to him about looking for something else and being honest with him that my heart wasn’t in it anymore. He gave me advice to take sometime off and maybe take some fmla (this was prior to my vacation) to put some thought into it. Well imagine me fresh off my vacation, my soul was on a new journey and I was so excited about it. Refreshed attitude you might say. Well my first day back I was the unit clerk or the secretary of the unit my jobs varied from day to day. The first visitor of the day after explaining the rules of the unit yelled and called me a B word for doing my job. All I did was ask her to kindly not eat in her family members room. Well that is not tolerated so managers were called and she was talked to about her behavior. In healthcare you build a certain hard exterior and on any other normal day I would have laughed or shrugged and moved on. But refreshed I was, exterior down, I just started crying. I knew right here I was making the right choice in my decision to leave healthcare. Still kind of having a mini crisis this was my identity for so long to be a caregiver. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. People around you always lift you up about the job you do and how no one else would be able to do it and then you start to feel like your letting down the population of people that you have so longed to take care of but that patient population has changed drastically. Its no longer little sweet old ladies and men, its drug addicts and mental health patients, there is no good way to help them they just abuse the staff, and the system is so broken. Not even a week later I am at work and a group of motorcycle gang members stormed our doors and threatened staff. Police, security, yelling, chaos. Luckily no weapons and the hospital took immediate action and now everyone has to have bags checked and go through metal detectors. My nervous system was done after this. I didn’t go back to work. I took the next month in a half to really try and heal and calm my nervous system. I was going to doctors, counseling, psychiatrists, trying to get in to get EMDR work done for trauma. I knew I couldn’t start my yoga journey in this state of fight or flight. Time was looming on what to do with my job. I knew I was leaving before this incident but this was work related so I stayed to get the help I needed. One day I was talking to one of my doctors and we are chatting and I am trying to figure out if I go back and work a little and give notice, or just give notice now. He just said why cant you just call and quit? I remember a light going off and me thinking why cant I just call in and quit I am an adult? So thats what I did I called talked to my boss about what I needed to do. He told me my options for cleaning out my locker but I knew it would be good for me to go in and say goodbye to the place that I grew so much in. And its not their fault for what happened. Those people in the hospital walls and first responders are my people and always will be. Reflecting on leaving does bring tears to my eyes, a little of sadness, and a little of joy of what I know is now my reality and journey. There is no way I could ever say thank you enough to everyone who has helped me become the person that I am today. 

This section deserves a spot of its own. This is where the part 2 in my book of life starts and its still being written. I started the most amazing 7 week journey of my life. I started my yoga journey. I went there day 1 not knowing what to expect. Nervous. 13 of us, 3 or 4 of the instructors there to welcome us that first day. I thought I was going in there to learn about some poses and how to sequence a class with proper body alignment. Not only did I learn those things but so much more. From meditation to the history behind yoga. My soul is back on fire and there is so much to learn. I have met some of the most amazing human beings that we talk in a group chat and stay connected at least once a week. I work at legends restaurant as an event server. And am now there yoga instructor at Arrowhead Golf Courses Fitness Center starting next Tuesday! I have so much more of myself to give to the people around me and cant wait to start this new journey in caring for people. 

I know that this is long and if you have stayed with me for this long I do have a point. And if there is anything we can take from 2023 and into 2024 its this: be kind and take a moment to realize we don't always know whats going on with someone behind what they let us see. Breathe a moment before you react and think: how would I want to be talked to in this moment? This world needs more love and uplifting so lets make 2024 the year of uplifting thy neighbor. CHEERS to all you beautiful souls can’t wait to see what we all achieve in 2024!